I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
