just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
