Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
