my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
