I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize