Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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