My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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