she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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