Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
