My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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