anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
there is glitter all over my balls
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
