you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I lost the right to judge tonight
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
