Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
