Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
