he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
