cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
