All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
