so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
