Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
