you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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