I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
