I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
