i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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