I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize