bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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