she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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