dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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