I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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