No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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