You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
