Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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