Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just gargled with NyQuil
Randomize
