I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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