garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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