they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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