Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
