Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
