Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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