When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Found your dick twin last night
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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