i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
