It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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