It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
