I cut my penus on the lid.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
