I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
