He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
