Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
