I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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