We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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