my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize