You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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