nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
