everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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