somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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