i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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