some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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