Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
