A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
