I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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