Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
