TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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