Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He better not be in your backpack
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
