You can't special order awesome
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
