I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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