Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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