stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize